It Hit me like a ton of bricks this morning in the pool...

So... about a week ago I made the decision to train for an Iron-Man.  Why?  Well I guess we need a little history then...

Competetive sports were a big part of my life growing up, and I always enjoyed competing in athletics ever since I was about 5 years old.  After my dad died in 1995 I clung to athletic activities because they gave me a sense of continuity, stability, and motivation in my life.  I played soccer, ran cross-country and track, and swam on swim team.  Running was always my relief activity...no matter what my mood I could always go for a run and feel better.  After running competetively non-stop from 1998- Spring of 2000 I started to feel worn out with competition.  I was getting a lot of pressure from track coaches to push harder, run faster, and place better in order to help out the team.  Running lost its joy for me,  and I began to feel like it wasn't fun anymore, as if it was another responsibility that I had on top of evetrything else.

So...in a drastic decision in the Summer of 2000 I stopped running competetively.  I quit the cross country team before the season started and instead took on the role as the team manager for my high school girls volleyball team.  It was intended to be a short hiatus to get my head back in the game and start to enjoy sports again.  It was my senior year and I just wanted to have fun.  It was fun, and in the Spring of 2001 I started up again with track season.  After the 2nd track meet of the season I suffered a quad injury that ended my season short.  I don't think I ever really recovered mentally from that injury...

Flash forward 10 years.  I have battled depression, anxiety and an eating disorder (Bulimia) for the past decade, and through all the therapy, drug changes, ups and downs, I have been searching for myself.

Where did I go?  Where was the person that I was...the one I have been so desperately searching for...How to get back to the "old me"?  I have pondered endlessly, blabbed incessantly with therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, close friends... I couldn't figure it out....

I have picked up running occasionally since then... but after a DNF at the LA Marathon in 2005, my soul was kind of broken for competing.  Until last year when I decided I wanted to complete a triathlon.  I trained for 12 weeks and completed my first sprint tri in August of 2010...I felt GREAT training and completing it.  Even placed 5th in my age group which is a great accomplishment.  I fell ill shortly after that...actually, I allowed my job to stress me out to the point where I couldn't eat anything for about 5 months (thats where the vegan gluten free stuff comes in).  I realized I was in a toxic environment and had to get out, so thats just what I did.  I got a new job in December of 2010 and thought that would be the end of all my problems.  Well it wasn't.  I hadn't worked out in  months, I was stressed, exhausted and just...broken. 

So I decided to start training for another triathlon...then thought to myself...hey...why don't I train for an Iron-Man.  I have had this little crazy idea about it since completing my first triathlon last year...and it just kept sneaking up in my thoughts.  So I said it outloud...posted my intent on Facebook, and started slowly training for this year's TRI season in preparation of working myself up to the "BIG TRI"... 

So here is the funny thing about swimming:  You swim laps and laps and all you have is you and your thoughts...and a black line.  So this morning I actually got myself out of bed, dressed and headed to the gym after dropping the kids off at daycare.  I start my laps...and my mind starts running.  Stroke...Stroke...Stroke...Breathe... how did I end up here?  Stroke...stroke....stroke....breathe?  How did I get myself so down and out again?  Stroke...stroke...stroke...breathe...it was so much easier back then, when I was fit, and competing and...happy...

I hit the wall (literally) stopped, took my goggles off and came to grips with what I had just said to myself.  I was happy... I was happy competing... I was happy training...happy, just...happy.  I stopped being happy (granted not all the time of course)  when I stopped training and competing.  Well...why did I stop?  Because it wasn't fun anymore it was just competition.  But...I wasn't competing for myself, I was competing for other people.  Now I am in my late 20's, wife...mother of 2 beautiful children...I can compete with others, but its not for anyone elses benefit but mine.  MINE....my life...my happiness....my sanity...my soul.

So, I am training.  For an Iron-Man in 2013.  For my 30th birthday.

I will train for myself, for my heart, and mind, and soul, so that I can be a better wife.  I can be a better mother... I can BE a better ME.  So this is the start of my journey.

Comments

Popular Posts