An unscheduled break...and some inspiration

So for my facebook followers you are (or should be hehe) aware that I was battling a kidney stone last week, and finally passed the darn thing on Monday evening (THANK. THE. LORD).  This is the 5th stone I have had in the past 8 years and was probably the worst in terms of pain that I have had from them.  So because of the intense pain, and need to take painkillers, I ended up with a week out of the training arena that was DEFINITELY not planned.

Naturally I freaked out.  I am now 17 days away from Boise, and a week off is not what I "needed" right now.  I also realized that there is really nothing I can do about it, and its better that I endured it now rather than either a) the week of my race or b) during my race.  I am now trying to focus on getting enough fluid during the day and increasing my citrus intake to hopefully help from a dietary perspective and not get one of these horrible stones again.

Shortly before my unexpected "training vacation" I got a lovely message from a college friend of mine that hit home.  I wanted to blog about it right away, but actually ended up in the hospital and subsequently on heavy drugs after and didn't get a chance until today to write.  I tend to think that nobody reads this crazy blog, and even had to put a hit counter on my page to convince me otherwise since I don't get many comments on here, and only occasionally on my fb page.  But lately I have felt an intense pull to make an effort to write my feelings, experiences and just really everything I have been going through lately and on this journey I started over a year ago.  I came across a quote not too long ago (thank you Franklin Planner!) from F. Scott Fitzgerald, and it really explained this feeling in just a few words:

“You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.”

Its so incredibly true.  I have something to share, and while not everyone is going to want to read it, or even agree with it, its important to me because I feel that I have something to say.

Sometimes I feel I am rambling, other times I feel like I don't have anything specific "worth" writing, but find something anyway, and it always turns out that I feel energized, alive, and happy after I write on this blog.  For some this may not make sense, to others it may not really matter, but to me...putting what I am feeling into writing allows me to feel accountable for my actions, and put into perspective things that I may not have been able to completely think through. 

I realized recently that I have been writing since I was 10 years old.  It started as poetry and journal entries and then kind of evolved into other things.  I kept it up through the first semester of my freshman year of college, and then just kind of dropped it.  Looking back now I see that when I started to "lose" myself and go into a more intense depressive state I gave up a lot of things that I loved and that made me happy.  I gave up running and competitive sports, I gave up singing, I gave up writing, I gave up painting.  Over the past year or so I have found myself naturally being drawn back to these activities and have picked almost all of them back up (still working on painting...) but as I have started to add these activities back into my life, I feel a sense of peace with myself.  I feel like I am moving backwards while also growing and moving forward (if that makes any sense ha!), and it has really brought me almost full circle.  Of all the things I have started adding back in, writing has had the most impact.  I will admit I was scared of making things so public over the Internet, but at the same time it has allowed me to feel more accepting of myself, and really has been the pushing point for allowing me to heal.  By coming out and accepting the ordeals I have struggled through both recently and in the past, I have been able to move forward from them.  I can now take my experiences into perspective from a somewhat outside objective and really reflect and learn from past practices and make modifications to see what really works for me.  And just like that...I have reconnected with my inner writer.

Going back to friendly message I received... It was a thank you.  I was a little taken back by it at first because 1) I didnt' realize how many people really read my blog and 2) had not really had any feedback quite like this before, but it was so touching that I actually cried.  Not a bad cry, but tears of gratitude and self acceptance.  Not only is my blog being read, but it actually *means* something to people other than me.  Sharing my experiences has made an impact on someone else to allow them to feel like they aren't the only one's struggling, or dealing with difficulties, or trying to do this crazy "mom" thing.  Life is hard, and we all live it in different ways, but its really about our perceptions of what we really are, and not allowing ourselves to fall prey to stereotypes and social standards.  Its OK for things to be hard, imperfect, an internal and emotional struggle at times.  We have all had our moments, maybe we are having difficulty now, maybe we are trying to overcome past problems or challenges, but what it all comes down to is accepting that we are all human.  I can only do what I am able in 24 hours a day...just like anyone else.

So to K... I dedicate this post to you.  Thank you for not only believing in me...but believing in yourself.  Thanks for accepting me as flawed as I come, and for also in turn realizing that "flaws" are what make us all so special.  Keep doing what you are doing, as you are a FANTASTIC mother and I have said on many occasions even if it wasn't directly to you that I have NO idea how you do it.