Training Vacation and new Plan

So last week I took a "Training Vacation".  I have been having some cramping and tightness issues in my calves that was causing my runs to get super painful and I wasn't making any progress.  My bike is currently needing some updates (thanks dad!) and so I decided to take a week off, rest, and recuperate. 

Now I have to admit, I was scared to take a break.  Why?  Because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to start up again.  Quitting is pretty darn easy, and fear makes it even easier.  As I am quickly approaching my race date of June 9th, I am starting to doubt myself and my ability to complete this little step in my overall endeavor.  I am falling into old habits as one might say, because my self-doubt often makes me want to avoid things in general.  I also feel guilty about training at times because I fee that it is somewhat selfish and I can't always meet my commitments to others. So where does this mindset come from?

A few months ago I completed a leadership development program through my employer that really changed the way I view things.  There were some incredible tools used for this course that impacted the way I understand not only others but myself.  One of the tools we used was the PACE Palette which denotes a color to help you understand your personality and how it relates to others.   Its similar to Meyers- Briggs, but is I think a bit easier to interpret because its a simple color category instead of random letters that can be difficult to remember. There are four colors on the palette red, yellow, green, and blue. My color was an equal combination of Blue and Green.  Green's want to know all there is to know about everything, they like to analyze, study, explore and want to make sure that anything they do makes sense.  So the analytical part of me is highly green.  Now blues are all about creativity, uniqueness and being sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others around them.  Friendship and acceptance are very important, they want others to like them and want others to be liked as well.  My blue comes flaming when I doubt myself and want to be liked by others and succeed.  I dont' want to be perceived as a "failure" but I also tend to stretch myself a little thin by wanting to constantly help others and not focusing on me.

So this has become a bit of an internal struggle because this event is really all about me.  And well...the core of my personality wants to think of others first, so I have often feel guilty that I am not meeting others expectations of doing more when I take time for myself.  I know that it is important to do things for myself because it actually can make me better to those around me.  Take for instance the fact that exercising is the best medicine I have found for helping my depression and anxiety.  I can feel when I haven't exercised not only in the physical sense, but also emotionally and spiritually.  While I might feel guilty that I wasn't the one to make my kids breakfast on a Saturday morning, I am actually in a better mood and have more energy for them when I do my morning workout. I also feel guilty about asking my husband to take on more responsibilities or digging into our time together to fit in workouts, but I think its more me being worried about his perceptions than what he is actually thinking or feeling.  So in my guilt I sometimes put things to the side in an effort to please others as I think they want to be pleased, and then I end up being somewhat miserable for it.

The green part of me really opened my eyes to why I plan the way I do.  I think I mentioned in previous posts about being an INCREDIBLE planner, complete with background research, scientific data, flow charts, planning calendars, etc.  That being said my execution is not the greatest.  I get an amazing plan together and then somehow I fail to follow through.  I say I am going to do things, plan them out, write them down, and then...just...don't.  This drives my husband absolutely CRAZY.  He likes to roll his eyes when I put my plans together and show them to him and really harp on how my plan is so great blah blah blah.  But when it comes time to act it out, I start out with great intentions, and then after a few weeks just stop.  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why for the longest time, until this past week when I started really thinking about it and going back to my leadership program and another tool that we used.

Enter the Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.  This instrument evaluates how you handle conflict.  Conflict with others, internal conflict, and how you respond to situations that have any type of conflict involved.   There are five different conflict handling modes; competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating.  I am an avoider/ accommodater, which basically means I tend to either avoid conflict and withdraw completely or back down on my concerns to satisfy the concerns of others.  I have always avoided conflict, and I think part of that also comes into play in avoiding things that don't got specifically as I planned them.  So rather than it being different than my plan, and going outside my "comfort zone"  I just skip it all together and call it a loss to avoid any potential "issues".  Looking at it again I realized that its really quite a silly way to handle things, and I really need to look more at compromising and collaborating a bit more to make things work to the best that they can even if its not perfectly aligned with my original plan.

My therapist has been really harping on me as of late to keep telling myself  "its good enough".  While as simple and silly as that sounds, its been extremely difficult for me to accept "good enough", and this causes a lot of stress and eventually makes me completely withdraw and avoid situations because I have always been afraid of "good enough".  Perfect is better...perfect is what I strive for, so naturally if it wasn't going to be perfect, I said why bother?  But this has held me back from a lot, made me get frustrated with myself, and caused some friction along the way with those who are really important in my life.  So my therapist gave me homework that consisted of making a plan, and not sticking to it, or rather, not following it to unattainable perfection.  Make a plan, and then just work through it to "good enough".

Last week's training vacation was not part of my training plan.  I needed a break, my body needed a break, my mind needed a break, my family needed a break.  It wasn't in my plan, and trying to get back on my original training plan was not going to be achievable either.  So...I had to think again and rework my plan to something that was specific, realistic, and achievable.



I found this lovely little book at Barnes and Noble on a recent trip with my son.  I had a gift card from a couple of christmas' ago and decided...why not.  I AM a time crunched triathlete.  I work full time, have a husband and 2 kids, as well as a few other commitments, and one of the main reasons why my training plan wasn't working for me was the time commitment I was having to give with time I really didn't have.  I was trying to accomplish the impossible, which was squeezing more hours into the day than there actually are.  This left me stressed, exhausted and feeling guilty about not meeting my commitment to others.  It was also making me feel that I wasn't going to be prepared for my event because I hadn't followed my plan exactly as it was laid out. 

The fear of failure can be so overwhelming for me that the easiest way to deal with it is to avoid the possibility of failure.  Well the possibility to fail is ALWAYS going to be there. And then as I was planning out my day in my Franklin Planner last week (irony is everywhere I tell you), I read the quote listed at the top of the daily notes page and was figuratively slapped in the face.

"The question in life is not whether you get knocked down.  You will.  The question is, are you ready to get back up. are you willing to get back up and fight for what you believe in? "- Dan Quayle

I never knew the man that couldn't spell potato would strike me with such a quote, but it was so fitting.  You WILL fail in life..not always, but you will, and you have the ability to get back up and try again. Its up to you to decide if you want to stay down, or fight for the things that have importance to you.  You have to stand up and accept failure as a possibility, but push through the possibility to achieve your goals.

So I reworked my training plan, now I have to rework myself to face the possibility that I might fail, but that is not what will define me.  I can't control a possibility, I can only do what I am able, and that's "good enough".