A Year Later

So I was thinking the other night about my horribly neglected blog and how I "really should get better about posting more often" and alas it still didn't happen right away.  I then read an incredible article on the love of running by a fellow runner friend of mine and was inspired again to write.

The article she wrote really touched on not only her love of running, but also her love of writing about how much she loves to run.  Kinda catchy, very heartfelt, and it brought up my own internal thoughts on why it is that I love to run, bike, swim, and compete.

Now let me tell you, that article couldn't have come at a better time.  Quite frankly I have been a little down in the dumps as of late, and my training has left me a bit on the frustrated side rather than exuberant and glowing.  Why?  Well I set some unrealistic expectations on my training and as I am now 9 weeks out from my actual competition, its come to the point where I don't feel like I am at where I had originally pictured myself at this point in the game.

So when I started planning out my training program it was a 30 week build, base, peak phase plan broken down into 10 week segments.  Being a working mother of 2 with a husband at home, I have been a little less than commited to the original plan, but have made adjustments to make the plan (which I got from the book Be IronFit) work for ME.  This was no easy feat, and its still been hard to stay exactly on track when things come up at work, with the kids, at home etc.  My husband has been travelling a lot lately and I have had to rely on my ever supporting parents to help with the kids when I need to train, but I have also been feeling the pull of my job becoming more prominent which makes my mid-day workouts more difficult to maintain. 

But it isn't really my job...it isn't my kids, it isn't lack of support, and it isn't my husband that are REALLY keeping me from sticking to my plan.  Its me.

There...I said it out loud.  I hold myself back far more often than I care to admit in this post...It still stems to my perfectionism and wanting to not do things at all if I cannot do them perfectly.  HA!  How silly is that?  I mean realistically I will NEVER be perfect, nor can I do things perfectly even half the time. 

I am an incredible planner...INCREDIBLE.  I can write pages and pages of plans, complete with timelines, goals and objectives, calendars, flow charts...you name it.  Execution?  I SUCK!  I mean REALLY REALLY suck.  Its mostly because I get this idea in my head of how I want things to look, and then realize that sometimes its just not possible to make my "exact vision" a reality.  What I have come to realize as of late (thanks to an incredible therapist and support of friends) is that I need to get back to basics.  Reading my friend's article hit home the idea of focusing on what it is that I set out to acheive overall...and WHY it is important to me.  I have been getting so into the weeds with my training plan and details of my day and why things weren't working, that I was losing sight of what my initial goal was and why I wanted to acheive that goal.

So what did I do?  I came back to my blog...because this was where it all started.  I realized that it was exactly a year ago that I had this crazy idea while swimming laps one day and set a goal for myself to do an Ironman for my 30th birthday.  The competition I have coming up is a progression in that ultimate goal, and I originally had signed up for is as an interim event to build-up to my overall goal of Ironman CDA.  So why have I been getting so hard and down on myself over my race in Boise?  I think its partially due to the competetive nature in me, and also the unrealistic expectations I have set for myself since getting into the heart of my training plan about 6 weeks ago.

I thought by this point I would be a WHOLE lot thinner, and trimmer, and buff, and speedy, and endurance ready, and I am not at that "perfect" place yet.  In fact a couple weeks ago I had put ON weight and couldn't figure out why.  I got down on myself...beat myself up.  My body image dismorphia came out from its hiding place.  I began excessively weighing myself.  It was a downward spiral.  And then I read the article and took a step back to ask myself.  "Why am I doing this?  Why does it make me Happy?  What am I ultimately trying to acheive?"

Why am I doing this?  Partially because I am mental (haha jk) but really I am...but it was to train because exercise makes me HAPPY.  And not just exercise in the general sense, but training for an overall goal of competing in something because I enjoy doing this with other who enjoy it.  The camaradarie at events in unbelievable and the feeling at the end of it all is pretty much the best non-chemically induced high you can get.

Why does it make me Happy?  Because I do it for me.  Just me.  Sounds kinda basic and selfish actually, but that time to myself and having to push over mental hurdles allows me to bond with myself and realize things about me so that I can move forward and grow.

What am I ultimately trying to acheive?  Ironman.  I want to complete an Ironman.  No time goals, no personal records, just finish by midnight to say that I did it.

So I have been on a little recovery break the past 5 days.  My calf muscles were really having a hard time with distance and getting tight and made running almost unbearable.  So I took a breather.  I was going to focus on swimming and cycling and double up workouts etc...and then stopped and listed to my body which was telling me "rest".

So after resting...I am feeling a little twitchy to get back into the training mode...but not because I feel like I "have to because its on my training plan"  but because I want to because it makes me HAPPY.

Happy One year blogiversary to me... and even if its just a sentence or two that I blog about, I am going to remain more commited to my blog, to myself, and to my goal...not to a pretty looking training plan.